I inched closer to the edge of the building.  The polluted humid air swept across my face. I could hear the cars honking amid the heavy traffic.  They looked so… small… minuscule from up here. I held my breath, stopping the tears that were starting to blur my vision.  

What has made me come alone at the top of this building?  My mind started to circle on the events that transpired in this last few days.

It was the morning two weeks ago, I got up, kissed my girlfriend by the forehead while she’s still fast asleep, got ready for work and had my usual coffee, a tablespoon of sugar and two tablespoons of creamer.  When my officemates started to come one by one by the office, someone talked of an employee not up for regularization. Nearly six months have passed since I have started at this Company right after graduation, I nearly forgot that today was the announcement of who among us, ten probies were to be regularized after two weeks.

I’ve worked myself off for this. I’ve worked overtime to accomplish the tasks given to me.  I go to work early. I would be regularized, right?  

An e-mail popped from human resource: Notice for End of Contract.  I didn’t have to read the e-mail to know what the message was. Do I deserve this?  I looked around, suddenly every movement made by my officemates seem so significant?  I saw two individuals standing by the photocopy machine laughing. Could they be laughing at me?  I saw my supervisor smile as she passed by my desk. Is she happy I am already about to leave? I saw the other probies chatting, and seemingly glance at me.  They are talking about me.  

I tried to act normal during that whole day, act as if everything is fine.  My girlfriend does not have to know, nor do my family. I can get through this.  I have to be strong for this and start looking for another job. Another entry-level job, another adjustment.  

A week has passed and no reply had been received from the companies I applied.  Validation of how incompetent I must be. My current employer must have been right in not accepting me.

It was my last day I packed my personal belongings in a box, a mug, a picture of my family with my girlfriend, that was all.  Only two things. I felt so… disposable.

My phone vibrated from my pocket displaying the name of my girlfriend.  A message from her. I am sorry.  I am no longer happy with you.  Let’s end this.

Can this misery ever stop?  Can’t I just take one problem at a time?  I have barely recovered from my lack of work.  I read, and re-read her message. This must be a prank, after all, we never had an argument or problem.  

You never had the time for me.  I prepare dinner expecting for you to show up, but then you are late from work.  I wake up, and you’re already gone. I never saw you.

I closed my eyes.  I need to breathe. I need to think.

The elevator led me to the roof deck.  The place was empty, barren. Lifeless the same way as to what I feel right now.  Nothing would have changed in this world even in a world without me in it.  

And now, as I sat by the edge of this building, it felt so freeing.  Peaceful. Light.

For one last look, I opened my phone and scrolled.  These people would never miss me. A friend in a world so virtual, reality never seemed to settle in.  And then, I came through a post shared by my mother regarding a speech made by my favorite author:

“You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.

“Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies.

“The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned.”

-J.K. Rowling