I stared at the ceiling. Pitch black, there is no difference even with the water welling out of my eyes. Damn. Pull it together.

This day started out just a regular Monday morning. A heavy egg and corned beef at the fastfood corner, two spoons of sugar and creamer blended on the hot coffee in a to-go cup that accompanied my breakfast. Just a regular Monday morning.

I propped my laptop open and read through the emails – reminders from human resource, morning headlines from my news subscription, some follow ups from my supervisor. I finished the report my supervisor was requesting. It had long been overdue but I finally finished the budgetary proposal for my marketing pitch. Prepared just in time for discussion and approval this afternoon. Just a regular Monday work.

Going out for lunch was sweaty. The humidity and heat combined with the smokes from vehicles in heavy traffic made me regret agreeing with my colleagues to eat out. However, this was compensated by the hearty home cooked meal from the carinderia we often go to. The pork seared before being cooked into an adobo mixed with pineapple and potato chunks was more than enough to last me for the whole afternoon. The nap after was also relaxing. Just a regular Monday lunch.

I was absorbed with my work when I was distracted by people congratulating my workmate. I inquired and found out his proposal was approved by the management. I forgot. This was the day the management was announcing the list of proposals approved. Everyone seemed to be congratulating each other that it struck me mine was not approved. My mind and body felt numb. Should I stand up and greet them, too? Should I make a smile? Everyone was passing by and I stared at my desktop, proceeded with what I was doing earlier and acted like it was another regular normal hour hour.

But this was not another regular Monday afternoon. My mind is telling me to be happy for my colleagues, but my whole damn body seemed to be on a revolt. My heart was pounding fast, my hands shaking as I typed on the keyboard, and my face felt so hot I don’t know how I red I must have looked.

When I was alone, I went through my email and clicked on the latest unread one. Ten marketing campaign projects were approved. Still, I passed acting out like this was a regular Monday afternoon.

But now as I rested in bed, the darkness consumed me. The whole event flashed back inside my mind. I grabbed my pillow and muffled myself from the tears that had been contained on the whole afternoon while trying to ensure my roommates could never hear. I slammed the pillow on my face and let out the pain and realizations that came flooding in. I was not worth it. Never was, and never will be. This was not a regular Monday night.